Against the World ...or is it against me and myself ?

Just when I thought I’ve made peace with myself, and it’s the world
that turns against me. Just when I thought I’ve settled with the past
and move on, the future comes to haunt. Just when I thought I’ve quite
the mind, and it’s everything around me that become louder and noisy.
Just when I thought I’ve found the stillness of the soul, the whole
body, mind and emotion turns wild.

So I haven’t made peace with myself after all.

All I’ve done is kicked the old me that I used to wear (the one that I
blamed to be the reason of all my failures) out the door, and wear
another one (the one that made me feel good). I wear myself like a
suit. The worst thing is, it’s not even a real me, it’s me the way I
like to see, but never am! And this I that wear me, isn’t even
conscious. This I is nothing but an automatic routine, programmed to
respond the input received by the receptor sensory. There is no I all
along!

So… what the heck was that!? Perhaps, it’s my history
that keeps repeating itself. Perhaps, I’m going crazy. Or, perhaps, I
already am! Yeah. Whatever. Just want to say, peace isn’t easy. Not
even if you start with yourself.

Need to get rid of this me
that become my cowardly hideout. Need to see all the I-s within my
body, mind and emotion. Need to see the I-s in the world. To deny all
these I-s. To find the one, real I. The I that is with God and in God,
where the only true eternal peace is. Then, and by then, I hope, I
could finally made peace with myself. Forever.

Let there be no me, no I, not here inside nor anywhere outside the body. Let God be. Because I am now at His mercy.